064 When Your Body Finally Feels Safe: Trauma, Chronic Illness, and Healing with Leanna Wydick

April Aramanda: Lyanna, welcome to the Invisible Illness Club podcast. I'm very, very happy to have you here today.

Leanna Wydick: Thank you, April. I'm excited to be here today.

April Aramanda: Well, tell us a little bit about yourself. Who are you outside of your health journey?

Leanna Wydick: Well, let's see. I am, of course, a mom and a wife.

Leanna Wydick: Um, I've been with my husband for seven years now, and we have four kids, a blended family over here, actually. So, he adopted my two oldest. We had one together, and then we're raising my my stepdaughter together as well. So, we keep a busy home. We have chickens and a dog and a rabbit and a fish. So, it it is busy here. And I work in um early childhood systems of care. And so, um I very much enjoy my work um and supporting families and providers. Um it's a big passion of mine. Um so, I really love what I do. Um, I enjoy reading and gardening and baking and fossils and bats. So,

April Aramanda: Oh,

Leanna Wydick: that's a a lot of a lot about

April Aramanda: wow. Oh, wow.

Leanna Wydick: me.

April Aramanda: Fossils and bats. All right. Well, so you mentioned you're a wife and you're a mom and you've spent your career supporting families. Can you explain us kind of a little bit of what that is that you do and what drew you into that kind of work?

Leanna Wydick: Yeah, absolutely. So, right now for the last uh two and a half years, my work has really consisted around creating training materials and doing trainings and uh supporting uh other providers and organizations across the state of Texas with creating early childhood systems of care. And what that really is is having all of the providers or businesses or organizations and nonprofits that touch and serve families. Um having some fluidity between them and um an organization where we're all kind of working towards a common goal for better outcomes for families. um where families uh don't have to kind of hunt everything, you know, with that one entry point where they can then get navigated to everything there is for them instead of them having to Google and feel like they're alone trying to navigate all of that. And so that's really what I do. Um before that I worked in family support coaching and that was where I actually went to famil family's homes and worked one-on-one with them and provided uh support and education and resources and I managed that team for a while and ended up here.

Leanna Wydick: And my passion was there because um my son, my oldest son has autism and I had help from ECI when he was little and it changed my life. uh but there wasn't anything for him like ECI when ECI ended at age three and that is how I got into this field. I wanted to be a part of things for um bridging that gap for families so that nobody uh felt like they didn't know where to turn

April Aramanda: Oh, that is amazing. Um I wish that more companies thought of having an intermediary like that

Leanna Wydick: next.

April Aramanda: because it is very difficult to find information. I mean you know as a chronic illness person on that side of things even very difficult to find information um especially when you have a child that you're trying to help. So this is this is amazing. I love that you do that. And I forgot you're a fellow Texas girl.

Leanna Wydick: Yes.

April Aramanda: We are enjoying the heat and humidity this summer. Uh you probably have a little less humidity,

Leanna Wydick: Yeah.

April Aramanda: but yeah,

Leanna Wydick: Oh,

April Aramanda: you're a little further up north. I'm a little further down south near Louisiana,

Leanna Wydick: absolutely.

April Aramanda: so I'm getting a lot of humidity and rain right now. So, um Okay. So on top of all of that, being a wife, a mom, supporting all of these families for all these years, you also have chronic illness, um, and multiple traumas that you've been through, including a near-death experience. Um, could you share any of that journey with us, as much as you're comfortable sharing?

Leanna Wydick: Yeah, absolutely. I've really looked forward to sharing my story because as I journeyed on this, I felt like maybe I was the only one. I know that a lot of people have experienced um you know domestic violence or um other traumas, but um there comes a point sometimes where you think like no one's story is like mine, but we're really not as alone as we think we are. Um for me, I had um multiple unfortunately poor relationships. So, my first one I married my high school sweetheart.

Leanna Wydick: Um, and he turned out to be a little on the sociopathic side and had a lot of issues and so he was controlling. He was violent um to me and to the kids and um I was raised very strict religious and believed that this was not a cause for divorce at that time. And so I tried to be that Proverbs woman and follow everything I was supposed to do and in hopes that it would get better. Um but there came a time where I knew what I was experiencing and what my children were experiencing couldn't continue. And so um after one of the last times that he hit me, I did leave him and um he I got a protective order.

April Aramanda: Yeah.

Leanna Wydick: He violated it and um was arrested. He ended up um you know I got custody of the kids and he had supervised visits and he had an ankle monitor but he continued to stalk me. He couldn't be within 200 yards of where I was at but he would be just outside of that to the point that the people monitoring him would call me and say we're keeping an eye on this.

Leanna Wydick: You know we have extra patrol in your neighborhood because he's just outside the mark all the time. Um, and you know, we had plenty of our issues over the years before he ended up terminating his rights and um, leaving the kids behind um, not long after me and my current husband married. Um, and luckily he was able to adopt. But um, after him, there wasn't much longer I got into a relationship. And I thought the guy was really great. He worked in the school system. He was a school bus driver. People I knew knew him. Um, but he was kind of that love bombing and he also got controlling and violent very

April Aramanda: Mhm.

Leanna Wydick: quickly. Um, but I would say, you know, my first husband would be more of that kind of abuser that you call a pitbull. Um, where they are all bark bark bark and they act big and tough when they're home alone with you, but they're not really tough anywhere else.

April Aramanda: Let's

Leanna Wydick: Whereas um this this other husband was um like a cobra.

Leanna Wydick: seemed so kind and calm and oh, he had his minister license and seemed like a fantastic person to everyone and like a

April Aramanda: see.

Leanna Wydick: gentle soul, but really had this really scary ability to flip and do drastic things. And so, um, when the abuse started with him, I I knew that I was not sticking around for that.

April Aramanda: Anything?

Leanna Wydick: And um I had called up my parents and kind of made plans to leave and went to the domestic violence shelter nearby and made a safety plan. Um and my parents couldn't come get me till that Tuesday and that was on a Thursday. Um come Sunday morning, he exploded. Um and it was 45 minutes till the police got there and it was an onslaught. Um and he did strangle me and I lost consciousness and I thought I was going to die.

April Aramanda: Mhm.

Leanna Wydick: Um my poor little children are the ones that called the police. Um I left um made it out alive. Um but unfortunately, you know, those kinds of traumas, they they do something to you.

Leanna Wydick: And um it wasn't long later I found out that I was um pregnant with his child. So when the protective order expired, I felt like because of what I'd gone through with my first husband, I had to try to figure out a way to make it work with this man and stayed with him only to have him become so violent one night that um he attempted again to take my life and held me hostage because he didn't want me to leave or to call the police on him for about 24 hours. um I lost the baby and um you know tricked him that I was staying enough for him to leave and go to work that day and I left and never looked back. Um it did give me the traumatic brain injury and on that occasion. So I spent um about 7 to 10 days somewhere there in the hospital before I was able to to get away. Um, and it took me about 6 months of I just did no contact and I did no dating, no anything uh for healing.

April Aramanda: See?

Leanna Wydick: Yeah. For healing. Um, and it wasn't long after that that I actually met my current husband who is just probably the safest man you'll ever meet.

April Aramanda: Wow. For I have several things to say. First is I am so sorry that you went through that. That is horrific and no one should have to go through circumstances like that. Not once, but e especially twice. No one should ever have to go through circumstances like that. Let me be very clear for our audience for a second. Nowhere in scripture does God say that you have to stay when you're being abused. If you know me, you know that I am a bibleelving, Godfollowing woman. But I will tell you that though I believe God wants families to be a unit and to be central in in everything, I do not believe that God would want you to stay with an abuser. If you are being abused, you need to tell someone. Please call a hotline.

April Aramanda: tell a family member, a friend, message me and I'll see how I can get information to you to help you out. But please do not stay with an abuser. It is not okay and I do not believe it is biblical. So, that being out of the way, we're going to jump back into our interview here. I just needed to make sure that everyone in our audience understood that. Um, and where I stand on that and where I believe God stands on that. That is absolutely horrific. Lyanna, I am so sorry that you have gone through all of this and that you've lost a baby because of it. I know that while it's difficult when it's a child with someone who you are afraid of and dealing with in that respect, it's also a child And I know that that that pulls at our hearts and that that makes it very difficult. So I'm very very sorry for your loss there, too. Um I am very glad to hear that you are with an amazing man.

April Aramanda: Um while none of my relationships were physically abusive, I dealt with a lot of emotional abuse. And so I know what it's like to go from that and manipulation and things to an amazing person who wouldn't hurt a fly. Well, maybe a fly, but you know, and you know, so I'm I'm super happy to hear about that. So in all of this, now you have a TBI and you're overcoming all of this trauma. Let's jump into now the chronic illnesses that you have been dealing with on top of

Leanna Wydick: Yeah. So,

April Aramanda: this.

Leanna Wydick: after my traumatic brain injury, I kind of I struggled to talk and to walk. I was on a walker. Um I didn't have insurance at the time so I was doing physical therapy sheets at home and kind of learning to use my hands and walk again and things like that on my own. And um my speech came back really quickly. I felt very blessed. Um, but within six months I had made such a rapid what I felt was recovery.

Leanna Wydick: Even though there was times I was weak, I was tired or I shook. I felt like I could do the things like I used to. And so I didn't think I was going to be sick anymore. My scans were coming out good. Um, I met my husband and right after we were married, we quickly found out we were expecting our first together.

April Aramanda: Mom.

Leanna Wydick: Um, and a few months into that pregnancy, the symptoms started and um,

April Aramanda: Mhm.

Leanna Wydick: I was started immediately tracking them. Something wasn't right. Something's going on. I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, it feels like my arms are broken. I don't know what's going on." Um, and they they could never find anything. And then there was a lot of things that they couldn't do or treat because I was pregnant. And so I thought, okay, maybe this pregnancy is just harder on my body. um after the trauma and that's what's going on and I will feel better later. Um and that didn't come either.

Leanna Wydick: And so I went down the rabbit hole of of following testing and I I became very passionate about there's something and we're going to figure out what it is.

April Aramanda: Right.

Leanna Wydick: Um and I can't tell you how much testing I've had done to, you know, really arrive at the diagnosises that I have now. So I have fibromyalgia and um ME/CFS and um I have pancreatic enzyme uh indic end indocrine insufficiency.

April Aramanda: Mhm.

Leanna Wydick: Um so and I have migraines. Uh but um you know I just to get to that place was a lot and there's still a lot of symptoms that really don't fall under those umbrellas that I'm definitely dealing with. But I've found in um the community of my chronic illness girlies that that's not uncommon and we have a lot of weird things in common that line up with some of these chronic illnesses that um might not fall on their symptom list but a lot of us are experiencing them or you know some some comorbid things.

April Aramanda: Yeah.

Leanna Wydick: Yeah.

April Aramanda: Well, and it's like a it's like collecting baseball cards.

Leanna Wydick: So,

April Aramanda: Once you get one, you get a million. I mean, it is what it is. And they can't they all mimic each other, too. So, that's always fun. Well,

Leanna Wydick: yes.

April Aramanda: people think that trauma and chronic illness are two completely separate things. But we know they're not. So, have you seen like tell us how you've seen this work out in your life? How they've kind of interacted with each

Leanna Wydick: Well,

April Aramanda: other?

Leanna Wydick: what I've seen very strongly is that that trauma really does rewire your nervous system, whether it's a one-time traumatic event or an ongoing trauma, big T, little T trauma, right? Um, it it changes your nervous system and especially like you mentioned earlier with the emotional abuse aspect, it changes how you process information and respond to stimuli and everything because you're rewired for a certain type of survival um that you so you're not going to think and feel and experience any of your sensory input really like anyone else if you've been through trauma.

Leanna Wydick: And as we know with some of these chronic illnesses, the way you your body um experiences and s signals around sensory input is different. And so if you have heightened um senses and your nervous systems on edge, you are going to experience these things differently uh possibly even stronger. So if they say, "Hey, stress can make things harder for you." Um, well, if you've experienced trauma, um, and you have not gotten to a place where the tools work for you yet, you're going to experience constant stress because your body doesn't know how to live outside of that stress box yet.

April Aramanda: Yeah. Well, and life is stress on top of it. So, you know, stress exacerbates your s symptoms.

Leanna Wydick: Yes.

April Aramanda: You need less stress. Really,

Leanna Wydick: Yes.

April Aramanda: it doesn't work that way. Um, so it also, yeah, it it kind of you experience the chronic illness symptoms differently, it sounds like, but also you experience the trauma differently, too. So like it goes back and forth. So, you know, I'm assuming that it changes the way not only that you feel in your body and that your body responds to people and affecting flares and things, but what about it affecting healing from the trauma or relationships because of

Leanna Wydick: Yeah. So,

April Aramanda: both.

Leanna Wydick: uh I would put it this way. Imagine how when you've experienced something traumatic, when you receive reminders of that, um it usually gives you a bad day, right? Emotionally, sometimes physically. But imagine that the body you're living in becomes your reminder. It's hard not to be triggered every day of your life. So if you're experiencing pain in an area where you've had an injury from trauma um and things like that, it is it it sets your body into this place where you can't relax because it is a constant emotional reminder of what you've experienced. And so it makes what you're experiencing even more challenge really to just process and and be with in your emotions because it's a

April Aramanda: I can't even I mean I you know I've done been through the emotional

Leanna Wydick: reminder

April Aramanda: abuse but I can't even imagine going through physical abuse especially like you did and having a pain in an area because you know you have fibromyalgia that your body was also so traumatized in because the body keeps the score.

April Aramanda: If you don't know people, the body holds on to everything. It holds on to emotions. It holds on to pain. It holds on to physical trauma. It holds on to everything. And so I can't even imagine the kind of pain spiral and um traumatic spiral that that can cause um a person when a pain comes up in a place that was damaged during something like that. Um so now you're in a good relationship. You're in a safe place. You're in a safe life now and your system's finally safe enough to heal. Um, I'm pretty sure that when we've talked on email that you have said that that your body finally became safe enough for healing. Love that. Um, but what does that actually mean? Like what does it feel like when your nervous system is finally safe enough to heal?

Leanna Wydick: Well, I I'll tell you a little bit about the journey before I got to that place. It it really was I wanted to be in control of everything and it turned into I will be the safest.

Leanna Wydick: I will feel the best. If I am ahead of everything, on top of everything. So I kind of became this type A personality control freak because if I can get ahead of it, I can handle it. I can do it. Um this is not holding me back. Which just wore me out more. Um yeah. And there was a time period,

April Aramanda: right?

Leanna Wydick: you know, I was kind of angry with God and I wanted to just handle things. And the problem that came from that was no matter what therapy I tried or medication I tried or techniques and mindfulness and breathing and all the positive good sensory inputs and all the regulation activities, it was never enough to get my body calm for long. I might have, you know, a 25% decrease in stress and and anxiety, but I never could get truly calm or regulated.

April Aramanda: Mhm.

Leanna Wydick: Um, and I I would get frustrated because I they would give me these tools.

April Aramanda: Hey,

Leanna Wydick: I would practice them.

Leanna Wydick: I would use them faithfully. EMDR, I mean, so many things. And it wasn't getting better. I was, you know, um, my my husband was just like, you you're you're going to do something bad to yourself. You're making yourself sick. Is what he used to.

April Aramanda: cool.

Leanna Wydick: He was like, you are so stressed out all the time. And it may make you productive. It may seem like you've got a data brain and you're super smart, but you are exhausted all the time. And then you don't sleep because my body wasn't cutting off for sleep either. um because it was so vigilant it wasn't going to and really for me

April Aramanda: Mhm.

Leanna Wydick: my wakeup call came in January when things were so stressful and my flare up was so bad and I knew that the things I was doing wasn't working and um man I finally laid it at God's feet. And I can talk more about that in a minute. But getting to a place where I was safe, knew I was safe, believed it, and that I didn't have to control everything changed mine and my husband's relationship, changed the dynamics in the family, how I felt in my body.

Leanna Wydick: And then those tools that are so famous, they could actually work. I could actually do them and get some relief and um then I needed them

April Aramanda: Wow.

Leanna Wydick: less and less or now they'll work a flare up which before it

April Aramanda: Yeah.

Leanna Wydick: wasn't happening. So um I I I would say that that felt safety knowing that I'm safe is is different than anything than uh you could get as far as what you might define as safety. And that's that's really getting your body into that

April Aramanda: Yeah. Well, and all those tools are amazing,

Leanna Wydick: place.

April Aramanda: but you do have to be in a place mentally and emotionally where you are safe enough to actually let the tools work, which is what it sounds like. you finally came to that place. So tell me then a little bit more about that decision about laying it at God's feet and what happened at that point in you that made you realize I am

Leanna Wydick: Yeah.

April Aramanda: safe.

Leanna Wydick: So I had at that point really isolated from family, friends, myself and family just hearing noise and I just reached that turning point where I knew I can't do this on my own and it's not working and I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

Leanna Wydick: Um, and I I straight collapsed on my knees on the floor crying so ugly ugly crying, right? And I just talked to God and I was like, "Okay, here I am. Um, I know you have been there every step of the way and that I'm the one that has walked away and thought I'm going to handle these things because I didn't like how things went." Um, you know, and I said, "Show me who you are. Show me what I'm supposed to be doing. show me through your word. Um, my family is yours. I'm yours. Um, I don't want to carry this anymore. And I just I prayed that prayer and then I started a 50-day Bible study together with my husband and we just downloaded the Bible app and we did like 50 days of getting to know Jesus and we started there. And while I was doing that, I did some of my own where I just did every little study I could find about fear, about what God says about that, about surrender.

Leanna Wydick: And so it really became to me like a mantra, seek and surrender. And so it was all about every time I had those emotions, every time I felt like I had to pick it up or that I was alone, I was seeking God. And I was surrendering that fear to him and I felt like I became safe. I could accept family and friends.

April Aramanda: Thanks.

Leanna Wydick: I could accept the care of my husband. I didn't have to carry it all. So the things he'd been trying to do to help me, the things I've been trying to do for myself, you know, when I surrendered that fear and that anxiety over to God and said, "It's yours. It's yours. It's yours." and every time just handed it, handed it, handed it, I was able to get to this place. And and it wasn't just a magic switch overnight, but I watched it come down gradually. I think the first two weeks, I noticed, you know, a significant difference, but I was still like, "Oh my gosh, I'm sick to my stomach. I'm so stressed." But um three months into it,

Leanna Wydick: I had formed these new habits where it was this handover and then the mindfulness could work and the breathing could work and the weighted blanket could work.

April Aramanda: What?

Leanna Wydick: And it it it changed me and that safety allowed me to get back out there and start attending church in person and making friends and have community and, you know, reach out to other people. And I was like so isolated that I I could I thought I had like social anxiety problems. I couldn't talk to anybody anywhere. I would like sweat if I had to speak in public, which was a problem with my job. And it was like a personality change because here now I'm like outgoing. I'm talking to people. I'm friendly. I'm not I'm not afraid. I'm I'm sitting with my back to the door at restaurants, which I hadn't done in seven years. Like complete turnaround.

April Aramanda: Yeah. I it's amazing who you realize you are when you are safe enough to actually be able to heal.

April Aramanda: And and that could be because of a relationship. It could be because you've just figured out how to give yourself a safe space. Whatever it is, but it's amazing that we figure out we are in that process. Um and I like that you said it was not an overnight thing because it never is. It's always this constant, okay, I picked it up again. I got to put it down again. I gotta I gotta give it back to God. I got to give it back to God. I can't I got to stop worrying about this, you know, and handing it back over. It's this constant struggle that we go through that gets us to that place of, okay, I know now because I've done this. My husband and I have been married for eight years. It took five years because of previous things that have happened to me in my life for me to realize and to know without question that he loved me. Now I can told you he loved me.

April Aramanda: I you know I knew you he said it all the time. He showed me he loved me in every single way. But it took me five years to believe wholeheartedly that he loved me and to feel safe in that. So it's never it doesn't mean it's all I mean it took you three months to start hitting that point where you felt safer. Sometimes it's quick, sometimes it's slow, but it is never overnight. I won't say never. God can do it overnight, but it is typically not overnight. Um, go

Leanna Wydick: Yeah. And I will say, you know,

April Aramanda: ahead.

Leanna Wydick: a big piece too was those they say there's these core skills to being in a relationship with others. And one of them is to be able to receive care. And so being safe enough to know that this care was safe to take. It didn't come with a price. Um, kind of like our relationship with God,

April Aramanda: Mhm.

Leanna Wydick: right? It it doesn't come at a at a at a price for us in this way.

Leanna Wydick: And that relationship with my husband, if I received care from him and I spoke my heart and asked for things and I received them, that care was safe and it didn't come at some extraordinary cost to me, some hidden agenda, right? Um, and then setting boundaries. if something did not align with God's word or my peace or what I you know what I'm learning is his will for me um it's not going to have a place here so you know having those boundaries instead of trying to be that pleaser for everyone because you think that makes you super somehow you know and I can survive all this and do this for everyone and be this for everyone like no boundaries are are good for us and and if this thing is a peace stealer and they're not operating in the place that you are where I'm focused on Am I healing then? Not right

April Aramanda: She says to the recap. covering people pleaser in the room.

Leanna Wydick: now.

April Aramanda: No, I've come a long way. Um, one of the things that I know you're doing for your emotional healing is is doing is accepting it.

April Aramanda: Um, but also advocating for yourself. So, acceptance is one of those words that people often misunderstand. Okay. So, what is the difference between accepting something and giving up? And how does that kind of change your life and what you're

Leanna Wydick: Yeah. So, I'm so glad that asking this because accepting is not giving up.

April Aramanda: doing?

Leanna Wydick: It doesn't mean that it is for the rest of my life. Absolutely not. Acceptance is knowing um I am a human and I am on this earth and it's a broken world and so it's not going to be perfect and I'm not going to feel good every day and I can accept that and I know

April Aramanda: Thank

Leanna Wydick: that any bad thing that's going to come my way whether it's a bad

April Aramanda: you.

Leanna Wydick: flare up or something negative emotionally I know it's in the hands of the one who made me and that you know these things might be happening here on this plane but he is going to use them. So there's nothing that can be done to myself, my person, my body that he's not going to use for his purpose and good for us that love him.

April Aramanda: Mhm.

Leanna Wydick: So I don't have to um fight this anymore because I can accept that even in that moment I'm in so much pain and I'm fetal position on the bed tonight, right? Um this is a part of my story. It's not my fault and something's coming of this. Even if I can't see it every day, this means something. And um it it is okay. And like you said, that advocacy piece then comes in now that I understand and I'm accepting of I know these things are not in my control and that that but they are in the control of someone who loves me very much, right? I know that it's okay to use my voice for the things

April Aramanda: Okay.

Leanna Wydick: that I need when those things are happening. So,

April Aramanda: Okay.

Leanna Wydick: I'm I'm learning that my experiences and those things matter. And when I use my voice, I'm giving other people um the permission to do the same. And the more that I speak up and I say exactly what it's like and I don't because I used to be the worst about hiding how bad I felt or minimizing my symptoms because people just didn't understand.

Leanna Wydick: Like no, I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm not going to when you say, "Hey, is it a good day?" You know, no, but I'm I'm all right. I'm still happy, but no, it's not a good day because I'm hurting. But um that honesty really and that and that speaking up for yourself and what you need and creating your space to be what you need and doing

April Aramanda: Hey

Leanna Wydick: the same thing with your physicians and the people that you interact with. You are really paving that way. You are normalizing, you know, all of our interactions normalize these things, right? We can be normalizing that we stuff and we hide and and we accept when we're told no at

April Aramanda: there.

Leanna Wydick: a doctor or something or we can normalize that no I don't accept that and I'm going to do things this way or you know the conversation around this doesn't have to be oh yeah I have fibromyalgia and so I don't feel good a lot like no the conversation's going to be it's this and it is very difficult and it does need to be managed and so I do have to do this way and I need you to you support me in that if you're my friend.

Leanna Wydick: It's okay that I'm I'm going to miss out sometimes or you'll modify and be with me here where I can be. So,

April Aramanda: Yeah, I think most people think advocating is,

Leanna Wydick: yeah.

April Aramanda: you know, like you go to the doctor's office and you you kind of stand up for what you know uh no this isn't stress this isn't anxiety this is you know something else and it's affecting my daily life and I know my body you know and that is. a form of advocating. But I like what you're saying here in that advocating is not just in that respect. It's also, you know, speaking up when someone asks you how your day is and you're like, "It's really not going well. If they don't want to hear the truth, they shouldn't have asked." Um or you know you're you have plans with your husband and something's just you just don't feel good and something's off and you're like no I we need to change our plan. I really can't do this right now.

April Aramanda: That's advocating for yourself. It's just doing it in a different way than what we're used to hearing. So I really really like that. Um, so how, okay, we've been talking about trauma, we've been talking about chronic illness, and a lot of what happens between both is grief. Um, how do we grieve, in your opinion, the gap between what our hearts want to do and what our bodies can actually do?

Leanna Wydick: I truly believe we have to experience grief just like you know that there are stages like with a loss of a person any of those things the loss of your autonomy and the way that you knew it. Um, you're going to experience that same stages of grief and sometimes they relapse and you start over at one of these stages, but I use this phrase all the time with my kids about emotions and all kinds of things. I tell them it's like a river and you're sitting in it and it's not a puddle. You don't stay there. The the the emotions that are coming, they pass.

Leanna Wydick: You feel them. You get wet and they flow over you and they keep going, you know. When I say this this about the grief, you know, you're going to get wet. The grief is going to come. It's going to pass over you, but your job is to accept, feel it, and move through it because just like that river, it's it's going to move along. And you might be in a different stage of grief another day. Um, but you're going to have to you're going to have to feel it and let that pass through you and be a part of your journey for right now.

April Aramanda: I like that. I like the thought that our feelings are and and especially in this example, uh, grief are like a river. We're going to feel them. We're going to, you know, we're going to get in the river. we're going to get wet. But it doesn't mean we have to sit in it. We can feel it. We can deal with it.

April Aramanda: We can go through it. Even if you're in the middle of a depression, you can go through whatever that time frame is, but at some point it's going to keep going and you have to get up and keep moving with it. And I really like that. That's really kind of cool. Well, that's neat. Yeah,

Leanna Wydick: Thank you.

April Aramanda: that's a great example, especially to tell children and how to deal with that because we don't teach our kids

Leanna Wydick: Yeah, that imagery.

April Aramanda: how to deal with grief or other emotions very well in this world right now. So,

Leanna Wydick: Because I'm a firm believer if we try to fight it,

April Aramanda: I like that.

Leanna Wydick: if we try to say, "I'm not going to feel this," and we're stuffing it or we're putting it in other places or pushing it into other things, um, it's going to make you sick some way or another. It's going to affect your illness or it's going to make you sicker. It's going to mess with your emotions and your energy.

April Aramanda: What?

Leanna Wydick: And you know, sit there and let's have a cry. Like feel it. Like it's okay. Like that is an emotion.

April Aramanda: Ow.

Leanna Wydick: You have it. You do it. You feel it. Let it pass by. It might come back again. But like if you don't right now, you're going to eventually. And it's probably going to be a lot harder. Um than if you if you feel it when it tries to come right now. That dam will break, right? If you don't

April Aramanda: Oh, no kidding. You could blow up. Uh it's it's a odd feeling when you've gone from stuffing things down and stuffing things down and stuffing things down and ignoring them and not dealing with them for so many years to then opening the door to allowing yourself to feel it and all of a sudden you can't close the floodgates.

Leanna Wydick: And let's see.

April Aramanda: I have cried more in the last three or four years as

Leanna Wydick: Yes.

April Aramanda: I've been going through some of some more healing in my journey that emotional healing that I've been like, okay, can we close the floodgates now? Like, can we really shut it off? But no, I don't want to either because I know what that felt like. I know how it made my chronic illness symptoms worse. I know how it made stomach issues worse and everything else and I don't want to do that anymore. So I this whole thing with this river and feeling it and going through it is just such a great analogy. My goodness. Got to write that one down.

Leanna Wydick: Yeah. I I I will say too with that grief like you said around what you

April Aramanda: Well,

Leanna Wydick: expected things to be like, you know, before my brain injury and having these diagnosises, I was very active. I was in fitbody boot camp and I cycled and I was outdoors and so active and um had gotten very fit and all these things. And I can't have those things back, at least not in the same way.

Leanna Wydick: And there was a grief to like accepting that that that had to play part in

April Aramanda: Mhm.

Leanna Wydick: it. But it it's really interesting because when you do finally let that pass over you and you feel those things these things you're experiencing end up being a part of you and you can transform them with your dreams and your goals and your desires and you can shape those because our goals change throughout our life. Our dreams change throughout our life. I'm sure very few of us still have the same dream we had when we were six years old. And in the same way,

April Aramanda: Yeah.

Leanna Wydick: this this is an opportunity for us to still have those big dreams, those big passions, the things that set you a fire. Um, but they're being transformed by your acceptance and abilities right now. And that is such love for yourself. Like love like our father, right?

April Aramanda: Right.

Leanna Wydick: Like we deserve that from ourselves.

April Aramanda: I agree. I agree.

Leanna Wydick: Yeah.

April Aramanda: Um, if someone is listening that feels like they've tried everything they can think of, nothing's helped, what would you want them to know?

Leanna Wydick: Don't give up because Maybe nothing has helped and that's not your fault. And I would absolutely say you deserve the time and the effort and the focus, whatever it takes to find your safety and to find what works for you and get yourself to a place where those things can work for you. You deserve that and you're worth that time and effort. And it doesn't matter if it takes you 60 days or 6 years. like you deserve it and you're worth it and and don't don't give

April Aramanda: That's amazing. Um,

Leanna Wydick: up.

April Aramanda: what are some practical things um that have helped you during your healing journey that could that someone could begin exploring today to help them get down this

Leanna Wydick: I would say vulnerability.

April Aramanda: path?

Leanna Wydick: I know we're not going to always like that word. Okay, guys, I get it. But being vulnerable when it's safe to be, right?

Leanna Wydick: You you you have a pretty good idea who you're safe to be vulnerable around.

April Aramanda: Yes.

Leanna Wydick: Take that chance. Be vulnerable with the people that you have shown you who they are, right? People show you, you know,

April Aramanda: Good

Leanna Wydick: they are they are exactly what they show you. Um,

April Aramanda: morning.

Leanna Wydick: but being vulnerable about all of it, your emotions, your needs, what you're experiencing with your illness and your body, your spiritual journey, your walk with Christ, like being vulnerable because that opens the door to feeling and experiencing things. And then that opening of emotions allows you to start identifying where your most important needs are. Because when I'm vulnerable enough to say what they are, to feel it, to think about it, to face it, um, and really be vulnerable and honest, then I'm able to identify what I really need because I'm vulnerable enough to do it. And then I can go, okay, I know I need better intake of my food, right? I need healthier foods and I can't just keep reaching for a granola bar while I'm laid here and then you're vulnerable and you can start there and know, okay, I want to feel better.

Leanna Wydick: I'm going to eat a little bit better or maybe it's water. I'm starting with this much more water a day and it doesn't matter how bad I feel. I'm going to use the tools at my disposal, the people that are here with me and I'm going to make sure I do that. Uh, and then maybe it's time in your Bible, and then maybe it's time for that healthy movement or just stretches. And you're just layering one on at a time, and you're just being vulnerable enough to talk about those things and explore them out loud with someone that you trust to unravel your yarn, right? Because your brain's kind of this yarn ball of, I don't know what I need. None of this is working. And so, as you talk about it and you unravel that yarn with that other person, you can identify those little things and start there. and you're learning safety, being vulnerable, seeing that being vulnerable is okay and that's not going to end bad for me and every little thing that I do is making me feel a little better.

Leanna Wydick: And as that felt safety grows, you know, you can keep identifying those things that you want to do for yourself. Um, that's that's what I would recommend to anybody. Um, untangle that yarn, be vulnerable, and then tackle those little things that you find when you're discovering what's important to you and what you really need.

April Aramanda: Yeah, that's a great piece of advice. And I think the more we do this, the more that we're actually able to listen to our bodies and to understand what it's asking us for. Um, I know that's been my experience. So, that's good. What is something that you wish someone had told you during your hardest season?

Leanna Wydick: Something I wish someone had told me during my hardest season is that you are precious. Because every person on earth, whether we want to admit it or not, we want to feel delighted in. And nothing makes you light up more than to know that you are precious to someone. And that word's always kind of stuck with me. And so I think when I was in my hardest place, if if if anyone could have come to me and said, "You are precious and I see you that way." Uh I think it would have

Leanna Wydick: made such a huge difference for me because that is how we meet the need. We delight in someone else and someone delights in us. Um so I would say hardest times someone to tell me I'm precious.

April Aramanda: That's a beautiful thing. Um, thank you for sharing that and being vulnerable enough to share that with us. Okay. Well, I like to end as many guest episodes as I can with three fun questions. So, here we go. What is one small thing that's bringing you joy lately?

Leanna Wydick: So, one small thing that's bringing me joy lately is my chickens because um I just I find them so funny and quirky and I yell chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chicks and then when I bring them snacks and they just come like you know flying and now they they see me and they know like this person's the one bringing

April Aramanda: That's

Leanna Wydick: me snacks but they're really getting to this uh place where they're more explorative and so we're always finding them in funny places and and all over and you get really excited when like they let you hold them or you you know they they make little noises back when you sing to them. So, I'm totally delighting in my my little chicken flock right

April Aramanda: And you delight in those chickens. Girl, I had traumatic experiences as a kid with chickens.

Leanna Wydick: now.

April Aramanda: Don't do them anymore. But that's hilarious. I I do like some of those chicken videos where they're just like quirky and total personalities. It's funny. Um, if you had one completely symptomfree day, how would you spend

Leanna Wydick: Um, I would absolutely have one of those yes days with my kids.

April Aramanda: it?

Leanna Wydick: Like I would whatever you want to do, the answer is yes and we would go and we would do it. So we would have a full yes day if I was symptom free,

April Aramanda: That could be dangerous.

Leanna Wydick: right?

April Aramanda: All right. And finally, what is your go-to coffee or tea

Leanna Wydick: I am kind of a plain Jane, I guess, with my coffee.

April Aramanda: order?

Leanna Wydick: I like probably a southern pecan creamer um and black coffee. Like that combo together is my go-to. And so that's that's like what you're going to find me having all the time.

April Aramanda: That's awesome. Well, Lyanna, thank you so much for being here on the show today. really really appreciate it and your words of wisdom are definitely something that we will keep in our minds for a while. Thank you.

Leanna Wydick: Thank you so much for having me. This was a pleasure.